Now I could write about anything right? Well I ranted last time about what I thought success was. I'm doing fairly well with following it. I'm still accomplishing a lot with my physical being. But this past weekend other realities hit me. I'll have to think about them more this month, but here goes.
I've played a sport for a LONG ass time, and I love it. But I did come to the realization that there is more to me than this one sport. So I'm thinking about taking a year off to pursue a few things: my own competition (me against others), learn a musical instrument, get into graduate school, and focus on the art/music side of me. Everyone should feel like a complete person, and how can one feel that if they are putting it all into one activity.
Beyond this thought I had, I realized I grew up a little more this year. Since my birthday last year, I've changed tremendously. I feel extremely comfortable with myself. I can't list tons of people my own age that can truely say that. I also know that I'm now not afraid to be full on GREAT. I've also realized my priorities are changing. My brother is moving miles away. He's found someone to "create" a life with. Its profound witnessing your own sibling breaking off and creating a new life........one no co-dependant on the life you both grew up with. This weekend, I knew that I now was free to live a life without feeling guilty I was be selfish and I thank my brother for that. Another change I noticed, that I will be the closest child to my mother, and the I will be the one there for her. What a mind blowing thought. Those two instances have changed my priorities and my thoughts. Now I'm saving money and changing summer plans to see my brother. And calling my mom more often to check in.
Also this weekend I witnessed my cousin who I'm very close with get married. Now I never saw myself as traditionalist, but it got me to thinking. It would be nice to find that person to be my rock and my best friend, like she found in her now husband. I just go out now and look at all the "bros" and its fine but I really don't fucking care if they notice me. I'm ready I guess to find that someone, now I'm not ready to be like EVERYONE else that's for damn sure. And I find myself changing my not so great ways, and shortening my list of requirements.
Along with the changes above, I'm looking at my professional life differently too. I think I should go on a path that might require me to be "better" than most. I want more out of my professional life eventually, but I need to start better behavior and set myself up to gain more out of it.
Don't get me wrong I still want to have fun. But not longer do I feel the need to try so hard to do so. If I meet more friends cool, if I go out whatever........you get the picture. What I fear is wasting away an entire decade on shit that doesn't matter to me, shit that doesn't better me as a person, and shit that will continue to lead me to the wrong men for me. Its strange to cast who you were aside. You look at your past self, and think "that was nice" but you don't miss a second of that life.
I fear growing up too fast. I don't want to get other and regret not being more crazy and wild. But really drinking your face off, what's there to miss? I just need to be more PRESENT in my daily affairs. Forget what other people are doing. Most of it is crap really. If I want to be somewhere in four years I need to create a life that will harvest the end result.
Its amazing the friends I'm retaining and the friends I'm making are so nurturing of the life I want. We are all "growing up". I rather like it!
In the end I want a house, a husband, 4 crazy kids, dogs, laughter, a good job, and friends to call/write. What a frightening notion to admit this aloud and in writing. But I promise not to loose my weird self in all this stability and foundation. Do I want this all tomorrow........HELL NO. Eventually yes, but you don't get to all of that without setting yourself up to run into it. This is the way I see it, if you want to find a future mate, you need to start thinking like you'll be someone's future mate. No person on this earth wants a sloppy drunk, who doesn't remember your name, and never makes time for them. The subject of the house, you need to be financially ready to buy one duh....so get there! If you want 4 kids, your partner better want them too. Dogs well "must love dogs" is no joke to me. If you want someone to grow old with you gotta be yourself, let all the crazy out. A good job can be found, and you must work at it. And friends, keep the ones that are easy to keep in touch with. If you have to try get rid of them.
So I have a few month until my next birthday. I have a "to do" list I need to complete then. They are all activities that I need to do to prioritize what I find to be important in life.
The older I get the more I realize, I'm truely unlike most people, even my friends, and I'm fortunate thus far in my life I've found people that tolerate whatever I am.
