The 'C' Word and the Relaunch of Mind on Paper

Well I must say its been awhile since I've put life onto paper. But a friend of mine sent me a notebook to jot down thoughts as they came to me. So obviously that kicked my butt and reminded me to put my ramblings here where they should be.

I guess my "relaunch" of this brain forum for myself will be today and with a not so fun topic. I have the 'C' word! Yup that's right I was diagnosed with Papillary Thyroid Cancer, April 5, 2013. This by far has blown my mind more than anything in life. Not because of what it is, but because of how great I feel with this weird occurrence in my body.

I call it the 'C' word because when you tell people you've been diagnoses you might as well have the plague. The sound of it makes people cringe, flinch, and what ever tick you can think of. And let me tell you it gets old and annoying........no wonder why people keep their cancer a secret.....its super awkward to talk about and share. I feel as though people think that by you saying it, it creates the possibility that they one day might have cancer. Well guess what, 1 in 5 people will have cancer, so suck it up!

I'm SO fortunate the cancer I've been diagnosed with is curable, simply by surgery. I will not have to undergo chemo or radiation treatment after surgery. At work I see people with types of cancer that have no good news at the end, except to deal with the current and soon pass away. I however, have the luxury of living my life just the way I want with one minor hiccup of surgery.

Everyone has asked "How did you find it", well folks with Obama Care, that everyone has ripped apart, actually has one amazing benefit........one FREE check up with a primary care physician.....get this.......on an annual basis. Sorry for those who don't have insurance.....just find a way to get assistance, am I joking or not here? haha. Anyway, get your ass to your doctor, get established with a doctor! Tell them you current health status, your health history, hopes, dreams or whatever. That's how my cancer was found, I told my doctor there was a history of thyroid malfunction in my family, which led here to feel a lump on my neck in March 2013. Also ladies, there's an increase of cases like mine.........women our age (25-30) I'd say, are being diagnosed everyday with this type of cancer. It's the most curable, and best outcome........but you need to keep an eye on that thyroid.

With I've learn a few things thus far post-diagnosis about myself that I didn't know. I've also gained insight into the people around me. First, through my friends and family, at first they were all floored at the news. Each one said the same thing "How could someone like, you that's so health, fit and young have this?" Well I'll tell you how..........point mutation. Yes, I'm a biology nerd, and an enginerd. So what happens there you ask well when your genetic material is copied by RNA (its a busy beaver of your genetic material) there a little hiccup in the code, a protein doesn't match up and then its copied over and over again. But I digress from the heart felt life lesson rant. Any who, the other thing friends and family said to me was "Well you're the strongest person mentally, and physically I know.....I know you'll be just fine." This wasn't said just once, but more like a 100 times, but 100 different people from all facets of my life. And they are all nervous but not freaking out. Now that right there might be the most profound instance in my life thus far, say a turning point?

I didn't see that in myself but I guess its there. So that helps me to stay positive and not give up. I mean for me to quit and slow down at anything, I would have to be brought to my knees crawling. I feel to that I need to work on who I am more, and become a solid person for the people around me. So I continue to challenge myself physically every day. It takes my mind off things, plus my brain hurts from work, and I can expand my mind in one week reading a book, but my body will only be as good as I push it. The more I push myself the more it feels like the cancer or the stigma of having cancer has not won yet. And yes the stigma of cancer is real people.

And here's the last of my rant, when I hear people complain about how they aren't succeeding or they didn't reach a goal or they "suck" I want to bitch slap them. First off at the moment they don't have a health issue holding them back what so ever. And I ask them could they continue the path to their goals with the cloud of cancer over their heads? Life is good, if you don't have a thing wrong with you quit bitching and get to work.

UNFLINCHING

You ever try to overhaul you life? It's a daunting task I must say but I feel it's worth it in the end. I've written down large goals or large visions I'd like to accomplish this year. They are not resolutions, because they are not empty promises to myself. These are concrete goals and visions. Underneath each goal/vision are timeline milestones...........big rocks to hop to as I go. Then underneath those are action items to complete to get me to the milestones. Each action item has a clear description, how this will be effective and when I want to complete it.

It looks like this:
Goal: Increase Fitness
          Milestone: Increase endurance
                       Action Item #1: log 3 endurance workouts a week, 20 minutes of work or more
          Milestone: Increase strength
                      Action Item #2: Do 3 power lifting movements, 3 times a week, follow a program

One might think this is NUTS!!! But when I check off each action item how excited am I going to be?!!! I'll be so elated. Shit will get done.

One vision that is the most daunting is facing my demons, difficulties, and challenges. I feel like I've been ignoring certain problems, themes, and obstacles in my life since I was at least 15 years old. I do this by ignoring them, buy crap, or engaging in destructive behavior that just isn't who I am currently. I'm lugging around huge boulders.........I'm done with it. I came across this quote and I feel this is where I want to be by the end of this year. I have a total of 4 books by Pema Chodron, this is the first I've started to read. I will keep you posted..........no pun intended, about my "awakening" with every book I read.

"Lean into the sharp points and fully experience them. The essence of bravery is being without self-deception. Wisdom is inherent in (understanding) emotions."
---- Pema Chodron

                                              

If we avoid the sharp points in life, we just make our lives more complicated and stressful. So I'll face into my issues this year and clean up my internal being.

Another vision of mine is to me exactly who I am on the inside.......no more bullshitting myself and others. I want to learn how to play the bagpipes, I want not drink alcohol much anymore, I want to be an absolute fitness beast, I want to get a tattoo, I want to be raw and unflinching. Unflinching, that's the vision.............
What does that mean..........well according to Merrier-Webster Dictionary (had to be official):

Unflinching

not flinching or shrinking; steadfast; uncompromising

Synonyms: determined, dogged, unrelenting, relentless, unappeasable, and unyielding

Uncompromising

not making or accepting a compromise : making no concessions


These words are intense as hell, but this is how I want to live my life. How many people truly life like this? Or remember anyone who did? These two words are interchangeable but different in a sense. This how I'm going to get shit done. I want people to use these words when describing me...........

So my first challenge is to complete my goal and vision plan. Second challenge is to adhere to it, uncomprosmised by myself or my surroundings.

Stay tuned........