New Perspective: Day 1

In life as a general statement you have to believe in yourself. If you wait for others to cheer you on or pat you on the back, you're just wasting your time. Being on this earth 26 years and 30 plus some odd days I find that you can create yourself. Whatever people thought about you or you thought about yourself isn't necessarily what you should hold on to for the rest of your life.

For the first part of my life I was a sweet kid, then a hardcore academic, then a beer slinging college student that happened to play rugby, then a competitive rugby player, and now I'm at yet another stage of my life where I find the definition of myself changing. Rugby will forever be my sport but the fun has gone from it. And over the last year I've been a little lost, I mean what do you do when your dream of being on the USA Women's Rugby team is gone and its no longer fun to work towards it. I think I changed, and that dream didn't fit me anymore or full fill me. I was lost, rugby was always my home, and my community.

I started Crossfit in March of 2011, although I did not take it seriously until maybe June 2012? If I'm being honest that's when I didn't just "show up". Who I want to be is what Crossfit offers. I love eating Paleo, I feel better, I'm not as jiggly, and it will help push away my inevitable of future diabetes running through my genetic code. Crossfit allows me to not make excuses for myself, and to push myself to do things I figured I couldn't do. Like gymnastic movements I thought they were not my thing.........but I can do them now. I'm crazy competitive, mainly with myself........which is why I've found a home with Crossfit.

I have to say I really don't miss drinking ever weekend, eating pizza, and waking up to bad decisions made the night before. I'm willing to take the path less traveled. I have plenty of time in my life to drink beer and eat bon bons. But why not step out of the norm, and do something that continues to make me uncomfortable?

I promise not to give up on myself. I think that's what we all do, we give up and say the "C" word.......Can't. That's a horrible word. If I can go from never doing a strict pull up in my life to 10 reps on November of 2012...........can't is not a possible out come. Never look at an element in your life as defeating. And from my experience always look to change.

Not Winning Is Still A Victory

So yeah its been awhile, I've either been busy or haven't had anything grant to say. But last time I wrote that a small victory is still a victory. And today I say not winning is still a victory. First I'm not in denial, and I'm not trying to boost my self esteem, haha.

A few weeks back, actually about two weeks ago I did something that I thought I would never do, entered my self into a fitness competition. I've always played team sports and never dabbled in the individual athlete category like tennis, track, etc. So the premise is that I enter the competition as an individual and I picked the  prescribed category. What does that mean? Well that means I do all the movements as the set  weight, height, reps, and standards. The scaled category allows for assisted movements, and lighters weights. So the prescribed category is TOUGH. With that said this was my first competition of ever of this sort, also doing prescribed when in January of this year I was doing most work outs and movements with a scaled element. 

Luckily I wasn't alone, two other women from the fitness gym where there as well, and it was their first competition as well. Let me give you some more details as to why this is a big deal. There are a total of 6 workout over two day, 4 one the 1st day and 2 on the 2nd. Four of the workouts are circuit like, either you need to finish in a set time or do as many round as possible under time cap and two of the workouts are pure beast like strength.

I made it through the two day competition, with minimal soreness and I had so much FUN!!! I got to bond with the the other women and test myself. I mean I exceeded my own expectations of myself. It's an amazing feeling to walk in the literally underdog and be able to keep up! Also I know now I can PUSH myself much HARDER that I have been.

So I didn't win but I had a HUGE victory getting over my fears, and insecurities of my own abilities (standing alone). I'm just so stoked to see what else my body and my mental toughness can do next. The competition made me feel like I could do anything.........Power Lifting Competitions, Strong Women Competitions. 

The experience also made me think about how I live my life. I started to think about the quality of life I was leading, and how I was treating myself. After the competition I started looking at sleeping, nutrition/eating, and stress a lot differently. I can achieve my physical goals, but I have to take care of myself. Nutrition is the key to my success for many reasons. I sleep better, my body recovers quickly, and during workouts I feel capable and strong. This shift is putting me in a life style much different than my friends, family, and co-workers. But I feel that those that will support me will be there and those that don't will drift away. Such is life.

Did I mention that this competition had an over 40 and 50 (age) for women and men? Now that was the most inspiring part. I'm watching these beast-like people over 40 years old crush workouts. I can only hope to be at that level, when I reach that age.

Go out and find your own challenge and the thing that make you so nervous it makes you sweat and go for it! Do whatever you want but try to better yourself in some way. It makes you feel amazing and you emit that onto other people whether you realize or not. I've said this in previous posts, if you bring yourself up, you bring other with you. People want to excel, be the person that helps them get there!

One man had a t-shirt on at the competition (he was competing at the age of 70) that I'll never forget and I'll always abide by, "I'd rather be dead, than average". I guess that's who I've always been. I'd rather excel that stay dormant. I may not be as good as the women in my gym, but I'm better that I was in January...........

A Small Victory.........Is Still A Victory

Yesterday I experienced a small feat in my physical training. I shaved off minutes of a benchmark workout. On 1/3/2012 I did it at 11:30 minutes with two pieces of equipment as an aid. Yesterday, 9/4/2012 I did it at 9:10 minutes with no assistants, just the regular benchmark. Today I feel like I'm on cloud nine let me tell you. It also makes me appreciate all the time and hard work I've put in during the last 8 months. And that's with taking 2 months off for another activity.

My next goal is a bit aggressive, but do the same mentioned benchmark workout in 7 minutes flat! I know I have the true grit to accomplish this,  and I 'm looking forward to all the hard work I'm going to put in in the next 2 months.

In life one should celebrate all improvements, no matter how big or small. I would call them all victories. If we look at them as a major accomplishment it keeps up going. As I keep going through life, I tend count my blessing and victories a bit more. Why wallow in the many defeats you have.........there's no point. Count the time you ran when you felt like sitting or when your hair looked amazing!

So my next and final frontier is to track my goals and progress..........actually do it! That will help my next feat, changing my behavior. I don't want to live my life like most people and most women my age. I want to eat mounts of vegetables, and not energy drinks. I want to totally revolutionize my life........and live my 20s off the beaten path.

So I just keep telling myself I have a small victory everyday.............

Vacationland

Its amazing how a weekend with friends can quite the storm in your head. This weekend I MANY epiphanies. It was like a cosmic astro shower. I guess the first one is that given opportunities take them. A friend asked if I wanted to go to Vail, CO in March 2013, and I said YES. Its going to be a great adventure, I'm getting a plane ticket, taking my snowboard, and using our connections for a place to crash. What freedom I felt instantly after saying yes. Also I just met a guy who is a total ski bum and will be working there. When I first met him I was think I should just not talk to him there after, but here I am going to the mountain he'll be working at...........good thing we talk from time to time.

I was also worried and mauling over in my head that I'm advancing in age and I have yet to have serious boyfriend in ages and I need to be married by 30. Well all this is what I want, this weekend I calmed down a bit by it. I really need to find someone who will foster my passionate side, my wondering side, my reserved side, nerdy side, intense/competitive side.......etc. So from that moment of relaxing, I realized I need to stop farting around with prospects that are lame, irritating, waste of time or not my type. And really start living like I want to bump into that person. Which leads me to my neck slap in the head.......

..........This weekend an ex boyfriend commences to debate with my why I should keep talk to him. Time out on the clock that's the most ass backward thing I've ever experienced. I even tried to play up the "crazy" and he argued all the more. Most bizarre behavior. This one is still an open book, like the one you read a chapter in and get bored or preoccupied. But really I shook my head at myself, I should be talking and engaging with men that are available, and won't put me on hold. If I find a cool guy, tough noogies for this ex.......he'll have to deal with his lack of action.

Being around a camp fire can really make you think too much, clearly by all I said. But also being around your friends can help remind you of who you are, or highlight a layer of who you are. I was reminded that I'm a flaky, eccentric, artsy weirdo. But how does one merge that with the other sides? I haven't a clue yet. For example I asked "should I get a tattoo" and they of course said yes. So may this November I'll ink my body something deep from within..........


Merging
Snowboarding Betty; Utah visit; Colorado visit; Sugarbush visit; Dirty South visit; starting fitness competitions; painting my old snowboard; trying out for plays; learning the bagpipes; taking a college courses; write a book; volunteer at the VA clinic; NYC visits




live in the present. be optimistic. adventure. give.

Grow and Cast The Old Aside

Now I could write about anything right? Well I ranted last time about what I thought success was. I'm doing fairly well with following it. I'm still accomplishing a lot with my physical being. But this past weekend other realities hit me. I'll have to think about them more this month, but here goes.

I've played a sport for a LONG ass time, and I love it. But I did come to the realization that there is more to me than this one sport. So I'm thinking about taking a year off to pursue a few things: my own competition (me against others), learn a musical instrument, get into graduate school, and focus on the art/music side of me. Everyone should feel like a complete person, and how can one feel that if they are putting it all into one activity.

Beyond this thought I had, I realized I grew up a little more this year. Since my birthday last year, I've changed tremendously. I feel extremely comfortable with myself. I can't list tons of people my own age that can truely say that. I also know that I'm now not afraid to be full on GREAT. I've also realized my priorities are changing. My brother is moving miles away. He's found someone to "create" a life with. Its profound witnessing your own sibling breaking off and creating a new life........one no co-dependant on the life you both grew up with. This weekend, I knew that I now was free to live a life without feeling guilty I was be selfish and I thank my brother for that. Another change I noticed, that I will be the closest child to my mother, and the I will be the one there for her. What a mind blowing thought. Those two instances have changed my priorities and my thoughts. Now I'm saving money and changing summer plans to see my brother. And calling my mom more often to check in.

Also this weekend I witnessed my cousin who I'm very close with get married. Now I never saw myself as traditionalist, but it got me to thinking. It would be nice to find that person to be my rock and my best friend, like she found in her now husband. I just go out now and look at all the "bros" and its fine but I really don't fucking care if they notice me. I'm ready I guess to find that someone, now I'm not ready to be like EVERYONE else that's for damn sure. And I find myself changing my not so great ways, and shortening my list of requirements.

Along with the changes above, I'm looking at my professional life differently too. I think I should go on a path that might require me to be "better" than most. I want more out of my professional life eventually, but I need to start better behavior and set myself up to gain more out of it.

Don't get me wrong I still want to have fun. But not longer do I feel the need to try so hard to do so. If I meet more friends cool, if I go out whatever........you get the picture. What I fear is wasting away an entire decade on shit that doesn't matter to me, shit that doesn't better me as a person, and shit that will continue to lead me to the wrong men for me. Its strange to cast who you were aside. You look at your past self, and think "that was nice" but you don't miss a second of that life.

I fear growing up too fast. I don't want to get other and regret not being more crazy and wild. But really drinking your face off, what's there to miss? I just need to be more PRESENT in my daily affairs. Forget what other people are doing. Most of it is crap really. If I want to be somewhere in four years I need to create a life that will harvest the end result.

Its amazing the friends I'm retaining and the friends I'm making are so nurturing of the life I want. We are all "growing up". I rather like it!

In the end I want a house, a husband, 4 crazy kids, dogs, laughter, a good job, and friends to call/write. What a frightening notion to admit this aloud and in writing. But I promise not to loose my weird self in all this stability and foundation. Do I want this all tomorrow........HELL NO. Eventually yes, but you don't get to all of that without setting yourself up to run into it. This is the way I see it, if you want to find a future mate, you need to start thinking like you'll be someone's future mate. No person on this earth wants a sloppy drunk, who doesn't remember your name, and never makes time for them. The subject of the house, you need to be financially ready to buy one duh....so get there! If you want 4 kids, your partner better want them too. Dogs well "must love dogs" is no joke to me. If you want someone to grow old with you gotta be yourself, let all the crazy out. A good job can be found, and you must work at it. And friends, keep the ones that are easy to  keep in touch with. If you have to try get rid of them.

So I have a few month until my next birthday. I have a "to do" list I need to complete then. They are all activities that I need to do to prioritize what I find to be important in life.

The older I get the more I realize, I'm truely unlike most people, even my friends, and I'm fortunate thus far in my life I've found people that tolerate whatever I am.

Success Is In The Cards

Research on the key factors for success has been crap basically. You either find information for your career, your self esteem, or a sales pitch. I figured there would be experts out there that had it nailed down or had solid information. But alas its about at shallow as a kiddy pool out there. I figured its because in everyday life most people only see success in a tradition way. And they only see the cookie-cutter way to get there. The mind set of "If they did it this way, then I'll do it this way with the same or better results" seems to be the poison of choice. Along with countless books at Barnes & Noble in the 'Self Help' section TELLING you how to conduct your life. At the end of the day no one lives your life but YOU. And no one has had the life experiences you have had and lessons along the way.

With my last entry about shedding my old life, and liberating myself to a new path (life), whatever you a want to call it, I talked about tracking my progress. Well tracking is a great, it helps focus one's self. So I got to thinking there should be some killer research on successful people and traits that are common in all. I found nothing mind blowing let me tell you. I feel that its more like themes than an actual "how to do", for being successful. There should be common factors but how you get to where you get, can vary person to person. Also how long can vary, depending on how the factors/traits are utilized. I think and internalize thoughts more than I should. I started mulling over in my head how I've achieved my own successes and how successful people in and throughout my life have reached their summits. What are the common themes? Not how..........its important, but not critical that we all do it the same way.

1. Sleep

    In high school and middle school I rocked EVERYTHING. My grades where 95s and better. I got into some amazing colleges. Started clubs, got into honor societies, and won competitions. At that time I was going to bed at 8:30PM. Even on nights where I had sport practices, or work. That sleep I got gave me the rest my mind and body needed to achieve greatness. It also helped with focus, retention, and intensity. In college I got like NO SLEEP. I feel this affected my performance major. I always think back and wonder if I just got 8 hours of sleep what I could have accomplished.

This action would be a theme or trait that I feel leads you to success. It readies you're entire being for battle. Some successful people most likely rely on little to no sleep. But for me I think this leads to long lasting success, and more of it.

2. Tracking

    In my last post I spoke about having 4 tracking tools. One for brainstorming, one for workouts, one for "To Dos" on daily basis, and one for the over all picture. Tracking is another trait that leads you to success. You watch and log your progress. It makes you adapt good habits, stick to what you say you are going to do, and keeps you focused. Distractions can slow you down, and derail YOUR progress. One thing I'm going to do every month is collect all my "To Do" list and tally all the items I have completed. What a way to see what you have done! The evidence is so clear. I've also started logging my TV/Lounge time. I want to decrease that as well. Tracking is data. Data is proof. Proof leads to motivation. People always say successful people are motivated, well how does one continues to be motivated and not defeated. TRACKING. Tracking show you data, whether it be progress or failure. This leads to motivation either way.

3. Nutrition

    You can't achieve greatness if you can't sleep soundly, fighting blemishes on your face, not staying awake during the day, and poor workout performance. This is where I falter a TON. You think that donut from Dunkin' is going to carry you through the moment but no! Good nutrition will make you feel better, and increase your progress with your physical achievements at the gym. I could rant about this one for days. But I think Dr. Oz has this subject covered.

4. The Company You Keep

    So the three traits I list can be affected hugely by the company you keep. If they don't support you and your endeavors, or distract you from doing the 3 traits above its detrimental to your success. One friend I no longer talk to would always be negative and make comments that I thought I was better than everyone or that I was too obsessed. Well long story short after breaking off that toxic friendship I got an internship and completed 2 summer courses.......BOOM IN YO FACE. If you date someone that drinks their face off every night and eats McDonald's like is Jenny Craig, then is going to be rather difficult to focus. Surround yourself with people who have similar aspirations, supportive friends, competition, and mentors to get there. Toxic people, and people not in line with your mindset are DISTRACTORS to the process. I don't care if you are trying to be the best kite flyer, if you have someone in your life that says "I hate windy days" limit time with them.

5. Compare But Be You

   Too many times I've compared myself to someone else, and it ended in self mutilating. By all means compare your progress and success to others. But do it with more observation. See whats working and not work for them, and utilize it in YOUR journey. Please do not get caught up in comparing 24/7........you'll lose focus. And its another distractor. They are not you, bottom line. For instance, I'm good at picking up heavy things and putting them down, but give me a body weight movement and I'm toast. If I compare myself to someone that can whip through pull up but they are 95 lbs, that's just stupid. Because I know I can deadlift close to 300 lbs and then can only do 185. But I take lessons from them, such as their form.

6. Intensity

   Nothing was accomplished without intensity. Intensity has a spectrum though and for each of your goals
   you have to take a stance. Intensity can burn you out don't get me wrong but it can accelerate your progress.

7. Accepting Failure

   Sometimes you just gotta fall flat on your ass to make progress. I have fail MANY times, and probably the hardest of most I know. But failure gives you a benchmark for progress. If I was good at everything I wouldn't need success, and the term wouldn't exist. It goes back to that compare thy self at #5. Also failure shows you that you are working hard and the intensity is through the roof. Those that never fail didn't but effort into squat and didn't take a damn risk to say their life. I feel that failure also helps you improve and evolve your process whatever it may be. Plus isn't it great when you have failure stories when you reach you goals and increase your success? "There was a time when I couldn't........and now I can"

8. Consistency

   Here my friends is the sworn enemy of progress and success..........not adhere to consistency. If we didn't walk everyday we would be weaker and lousy at.........and in extremes fail to be able to do it. Without consistency we cannot better ourselves. Eating right, sleeping, following a training plan, and tracking. All of these activities need consistency to be able to show progress and what is/isn't working. As humans, especially in today's world we lack consistency, which in my opinion shows lack of commitment to ones self and pure laziness. We always look for the easiest way to do something and most times there isn't and what is left boils down to consistency. Its like the '10,000 Hour Rule". If you do something for a total of 10,000 your an expert or damn near close. So going back to #2 (Tracking) if I track my progress for whatever I'm trying to excel at for 365 days a year, at an hour each day..........27 years down the road I'm an expert. With that said start with consistency TODAY! I'm in my 20s and I start 5 years ago after college attempting consistency so........I roughly have 22 years left to become a MASTER BALLA. So by my late 40s I will be solid as a mountain. Crazy to think of it this way but you have to start somewhere. Don't let yourself have allowances, its not needed in life. Be a rock. Also consistency breaks bad habits, and gets rid of poor company. How many free throws do you think Michael Jordan made..........A SHIT TON. Its not luck its planned luck.

9. Patience

    With consistency comes patience. You might be a loser, fat ass now, but give it some time and things will improve. I have no patience with myself half the time, and that is the moment were I beat myself up, not in a useful critical way but one where I don't expect failure, and then lose my consistency. Have patience, our world is lacking patience. That's what people embark on those stupid fad diets. That's why people listen to Dr. Oz and pop supplements. Pump the breaks, please and thank you. You work yourself into a frenzy. I take life lessons from PhD researchers, they work YEARS on their research and wait for answers. Some they never get and some they only get a piece at a time. Its remarkable that they have the capacity to endure this. Most times we've been ruining our bodies over years, and its going to take time to get it back to ground zero. Or with our goals there are steps that take time. If we can't have patience for ourselves then can we evoke any other disciplined traits and self control? I think not patience take self control, and living in the NOW.


10. Research & Ability To Adapt

     Here is a trait that I think is an unsung hero and a stealth bomber. Please listen carefully to be successful you have to be constantly researching how to be better. That's it! Research better tracking tools, better nutrition, better fitness advancement, classes to make you better and the list goes on. Hell I've even researched how to sleep more effectively. Through research you find new and improved methods that put you ahead of your competition (yes they are out there). Researching puts you out on this ledge of possibility. It also steers you away from bullshit. Not all information is built the same. Is called continuous improvement people. If I did the same shit every day and every year to get better my progress wouldn't be the same you know? Along with this crazy researching is the ability to adapt. This means if you fail at something you might need to change and adapt. You might have a issue physically.......adapt and find away to keep going forward. Or you have to do a Skype interview. If you can change and adapt with no effort you'll be ahead of your competition. This trait makes you resilient. If nothing bothers your or stops you in your tracks imagine what you can do. This also removes a sworn enemy.......FEAR. Fear is paralyzing in progress and success. If you are in the FEAR ZONE, things slow, and most likely back track. Research possibilities and mold yourself into something new when need be.

11. NEVER GIVE UP (Persistence)

      The one that wins races, competitions, or bonuses are those that NEVER GIVE UP........no for any reason. Persistence is the final trait that I feel makes or breaks progress and success. No matter how many times that person gets 1st place and you get 3rd place matters, what counts is that you never give up trying to beat them. While there striding at a #1, you are gaining on them day by day. Persistence to me is the ability to not be weak and to never give up on yourself. Persistence takes loads of energy hence why I stated  the first 3 traits. You have to put you feet on the ground every morning when you wake up and do something that works toward your progression to success, in what ever category you are in. You have to be willing to be the person working an extra hour, or utilizing even the small moments in life. Think about the successful people in your life...........they NEVER GIVE UP. Once you slack someone else will get ahead. Even if its a small advancement each day...........you are making ground, and in turn motivating yourself.


This by no means bases on scientific fact. But this is what has worked for me or I see in others. I'm going to follow my own advice of course. Lastly be YOU. If not then you are just like the rest of the poor sods on this earth. I look around and all I see are IPADS, Coach bags, headphones, running, and lean cuisines. If I follow this "normal" path how boring first off but I'll never be better. I don't care about what normally is cared about. I just know I have a plan, and now I broke down the traits I need to adhere to in order to be successful. I have the tools and the attitude. I'll be a lone wolf before I'll join the pack.........cue the Hang Over jokes.

Seriously who give a fly fuck about what we should be doing ,or what's important to others. From my perspective others are concerned with being obese, have shit they don't need, attracting the opposite sex (or whatever your orientation) when they are lame as hell, and "fitting in". Fitting in sucks! I hate how other people dress for one, and the men women pick, seriously?


Ok go forth and prosper and by all means don't listen to be and create your own blog to rant on...........I mean that's what I did

Unleash The Beast Part 2

So this weekend I got to witness some incredible athletes. It was insane!!!!! During the two days spent watching men and women pushing themselves to the limit, and making personal bests during competing was inspiring to say the least. But after such a weekend I found myself not thinking like a groupie, fan or spectator. I started to think "I can do this". I decided last night I'm going to unleash the beast. I never give up, I'm super competitive, and critical of myself. With just who I've been my whole life I can achieve this crazy notion of fitness. Its not to look sexy or to look cool..........its to prove that I can do this. I truly believe I have what it takes. I've been overlooked for special programs but I'll just put in the 100% effort and time for myself.

Last night I put together four tracking tools. It seems obsessive but it'll be a trail to my success. Hopefully these good habits and mindset pollute the rest of my life as well. I'm ready to shed my old life, in return for a new beginning. I know I won't miss the excessive drinking, sleeping less than 5 hours, being at all the parties, or in the "scene". I won't miss the eating of crap that my body can't handle. For pete sake I overcame a four year battle with an eating disorder without medication or help from a mental health professional. But I'm going to track and plan like no other. Success does not come all of a sudden, but it is something that is well thought out.

I have to admit I'm afraid. Afraid to live this crazy life style that doesn't mirror our current society. Afraid to abandon this image of me that people think is me, but its not. I may lose friends along the way, and have massive haters that think I'm too critical. But all I know is I'm not enjoying the current moment and I'm less than thrilled with how I've been conducting my life. What I used to think was important was crap. I also wanna rock other competitor's lives..........fuck yeah I'm standing next to you competing.

I'm looking at this as a liberating experience. Where it will take me we'll see. I hope to not recognize myself, and shock the hell out of people and keep them endlessly guessing whats next.

STAY FOCUSED. HARD WORK WINS EVERY TIME. PUT THE BLINDS ON. BE UNCOMFORTABLE AND BEAT YOURSELF UP UNMERCIFULLY

Synapse Overload

The dreams just keep coming! My brain is on hyper drive these days. A few nights ago I had a dream that I was doing roller derby, how balla is that. I was the speed demon on the flat track, whizzing around the bends.......the other jammer could catch my pace and the opposing team couldn't get me down. I was in my version of Whip It.........suck it Drew Barrymore. I was the ultimate vamp, with ruby red lips, eye make up for days, and fishnets highlighting my power thighs, and caressing my big ass.

It was an amazing feeling in the dream to be so feminine but so brutalizing. It was like having an alias. So I got to thinking what would my derby name be? Here's one I could try on for size.........IRISH CARBOMB. Boom.........I just blew you mind! Did I not? But then I got to thinking the names are usually Names + A Pun formula. So then I got nerdy, and let me tell you its hard to think of one with this iron clad formula. Wait I got one Helen Degenerate, Helen (Hell)? I need to practice more right?

Well this weekend I'm going to put on a pair of roller skates and take a few laps. Do some visualizing, and who know I might try out for my area's league. But I don't have a tattoo, and I fee like I need one. I'll pick up some of those cloth "tattoo sleeves" at the dollar store and be a bad ass. I haven't been on skates in awhile but here goes nothing right. You're never too old or set in your ways to break free of your routine and find another dimension of yourself. I mean I've been coined in having "at 15 personalities". But maybe this is just another avenue to feel alive, and to escape reality with a bunch of kick ass bitch in tights, shit ton of makeup, gnarly tattoos, and roadrunner-like skates

Wax That Shit

So the other day I got waxed. What a fun way to be liberated! Imagine a doctor office type thing to lay on with 2 sets of track lighting on the most beautiful part of your body. In walks my waxer.....the FUNNIEST person ever. She was a hoot at 60 something, jewish woman from New York City. I felt like we had been friends forever. She told me the best stories about people.

She waxes this male porn star, and he is in her word "deformed" haha. She was like "can you imagine having to put that in your mouth or give it a hand job.....more like two hand job (cue big parallel arm movements up and down)". I was laughing so hard. This woman has a job that I could live with. People are at their most vulnerable when they come to you, plus you can talk about all sorts of raunchy shit..........I feel like that's what people expect. If I waxed men I'd have a 5 part rating system. Plus I feel like when you have people spread eagle with wax on their crotch, they feel like they can confess anything in that moment. Hell might be better than therapy. Wax = Therapy. Freud missed the boat on this gold mine.

Oh and she only takes men by referral........you dirty boys you. She and I also came to the conclusion that the porn industry was the new form a of circus all the social outcasts and weirdos go there. A break through in my therapy session, I love to be naked, I'm pretty darn comfortable how I look physically, and that I look DAMN good down there........alabaster from my head down to my ass, HOLLA!

Nudity And Dr. Suess

I would be naked in a field
I would be naked in a car
I wold be naked on a stage
I would be naked in the hall
I would be naked with a ball (wow now I'm rhyming)
I would be naked in a dance
I would be naked even if everyone else where wearing pants

I would be naked on bike
I would be naked on a hike
I would be naked on a beach
I would be naked on a boat

I just want to be NAKED...........ways to get there:

1) Nude Beach
2) Body painted........so liberating, artistic, sensual, explore many sides of who you are
3) Pose nude for an art class
          (Wouldn't you like to know how others view you, I would love to see the different canvases!)
4) Swing in a hammock naked
5) Bath House

Another personality of my is the exhibitionist.......NOT the way you think though. I just want to learn how to stripper pole dance, dance topless with body paint on, dance naked in the middle of drum circle, do circus type moves, dance to a rhythm and a beat. Sway, and catch the sensuality of a song.....

Why doesn't the world just want to be free of being rigid. I mean women where skirts up to their ass. Why do we hate to get naked just because?

What Dreams May Come

For the life of my I never remember my dreams but this past week they were so epic how could I not. First one was of a man standing across from me, I can't remember the face. BUT I do remember is large penis and how it kept growing and swelling. It was white and beautiful let me tell you. Then a few nights after my dream was of serial killer nature. I was hiding out in an abandon cave covered with snow hiding and trying to defeat this killer. They continued to kill on a college campus. Then the third wacked out dream was of how I went to work out and the work out entailed at hang power clean twice my weight.......let just say that A TON for me. My dreams usually come true in some way or faction. With that said I have no clue how these are related....I believe they are fear based. I think I need to stop eating so close to bed time.

My interpretation of my dreams are..........I will find a man with a big beautiful penis but I haven't met him yet, stop being afraid of going back for my masters, and create a plan to increase my fitness.

I believe stress and fear are at the root of these dreams. Why do I find life so funny but yet it gets the best of me at time. People say I'm too hard on myself but I think of it in a much different way. If you aren't critical on yourself then how do you identify your weakness and where you lack to become better than you were yesterday? That vision of myself is not me stoning the current me in public! Its of what I want to become and should. Why spend everyday just being the same person you were the day before or tomorrow? I know I can be better...................................................

My next step to being a better me is being social this weekend but in a nondestructive way. Actually opening up and meeting people. Hell who knows a new guy. The old guy, I don't even miss and he bored the hell out of me in a way.

So here I am rambling on about many levels of sub conscious. Those dream are too detailed not to mean anything to me. But instead of dream..........I plan to go out and get shit done

FOCUS.....CALM.......PLAN.............In the end RANDOM

Its funny how life sends you little reminders to get off your ass and do the things you want to do with your life. To do the things you keep thinking about when you have quiet moments. A friend of mine just crashed at my place on their way to Europe. They are backpacking by themselves and crashing on couches. Now I've been researching trips to Europe and Asia, but of course I was dragging my feet. After witnessing this awesomeness of my friend........needless to say the fire has been lit under my ass. So right now I'm thinking Russia, and some countries around there to start my globe trotting adventure. In life you can't wait for people or the right time to accomplish the things you have on your mind. You have to rely on yourself.

This friend no only inspired me to quit dragging my feet for my international longings but it got me thinking about how many other ideas I have or are currently hesitating on. I talked about this vision of who I want to be. Some of this vision is complete.......other parts I need to get working on. Now health, wellness, and fitness is a category I'm dragging my feet on. I know I can be powerful, fast, and strong. Oh and did I mention I have the potential to look like a sexy bitch. With that said I got a salad today.....my body has already started jumping for joy. I want to be an unstoppable force physically. I want to stop carrying around extra weight.......its literally holding me back from moving fast. I want to be  the muscle bound speed demon.

Another idea I need to throw into high gear is grad school. Now there's a challenge! What the hell do I want to do with my life, or the next stage of my life I should say. I want to do great things, and have fun doing them. This idea is the least developed mainly because the vision I cannot see yet. More contemplation needs to occur. I just want to instill effective change in the world. At least that's a start on the vision. I want to fix shit. That's that basis of it all really.

Lastly I want to focus on myself, then family, and then friends. That rest doesn't matter is just extra noise I find. I want to ignore the distractions: booze, silly men, acquaintances, other peoples opinions, society, what I think I should do vs. what I REALLY want to do, other people's progress, other's lives, and lastly my own bad habits. Now the questions are how do I accomplish so much? Well if I get fit etc.....I'll feel better to accomplish anything. Also if I quit hesitating I won't have regrets that haunt a person's thoughts. I will surround myself with people who care about me and support me in ALL my crazy adventures.

But really all the possibilities lie inside of me. I can be my own worst enemyy at times. I have a hard time getting out of my own head. So hopefully through "dumping" here I can start to FOCUS, and ACHIEVE a peaceful presence through not hesitating or thinking WAY too much.

Right now:
1) I've eating a salad
2) Blogging to cut the noise, and thinking too much out of the day
3) I've slept 7.5 hours
4) I've laughed
5) I plan on running hills tonight and doing push ups
6) I got a 90 minutes massage yesterday
7) I've narrowed my travel plans to 6 European countries
8) I've pick 2 summer courses to take

All little steps, but they are heading in the right direction. FOCUS, CALM, and PLAN are my key word. But RANDOM will always be my guiding light

One Part Rant, One Part Religious Experience

Dear People On Transit,

No one cares what music you are listening to.........it sucks. No one cares about the purse you are caring, its been rolling around in the filth left by people before you. Women with severe roots, you are not remotely close to being blond give up and find a new dream. People, push be one more time I'll snap. Couples making out and/or singing verses of Chris Brown to each other you are gross.........Drunk people on the T walk it off outside not in closed quarters. People who need someone to talk to....find a counselor or support group I don't care. Overly perfumed ladies........my lungs hate you. Men with fancy suits and waxed eyebrows you are not important nor are you attractive, TRUST ME.

I think I'll go back to my book now or sleep.......That shit cray

So that was the rant category of my brain. What shall I unleash now..............

On my into work today I thought about how going to church is a great way to meet guys. Seriously the Catholic Church I go to has some fine eye candy. And yes I go for spiritual reasons, just recently I realized the treasure before me. The men are so funny, during Peace Be With You, the eye contact is insane. I want to send them to confession right there for undressing me with their eyes. Or how about the intense eye contact before receiving communion. I'm going to church for spiritual guidance and cleansing and all I can thinking is wow that guy has a nice ass. Oh he dresses so well too. Cut to the guy being a one of my personal trainers. Needless to say I looked at him differently after that. By the way is you aren't Catholic, I apologize, Wikipedia the things that are causing you to scratch you head. I would like to find a good Catholic boy. That way we can drink the night before and go to church. Also the high probability the are of Irish descent is a nice plus as well. And who doesn't love the naughty Irish Catholic girl stereotype. I think I shall plan a church social.......kick early 1900s style to meet these men. Vintage is all the rage you know. My grandparents met at a church social.........but that didn't end well as it turns. But there's time to fill you in about that. Lets just say my grandfather Murphy pasted away from lead poisoning.

Unleash The Beast

So........here goes. With the rising costs of living and the fact psychoanaylsis doesn't work on me, blogging seems a good way to quite my mind. This should be interesting. I often think what the hell am I doing with my life. I spread myself in all sorts of directions, but end up not very happy in the end. Goal: Do things that make me happy: sleep, eating right, connecting with my friends.......the list goes on. I have a vision of myself, if only I could get there. But I have to start working on it now and come up with a plan. I guess that's where I'm starting this blog, at the beginning and at the end. I need to fill in the middle. Maybe thats where stress, confusion, and sleepless nights live.....in the middle.

Light and breezy: Ellen is the shit..........oh Michelle Obama. I want to be both of them with a Chelsea Handler cherry on top. So here goes..............